Walter Pater, the Victorian art and literature critic, claimed that “all art aspires to the condition of music.” I’m inclined to agree, but would also add that all music aspires to the condition of karaoke.

When I read critics or hear people talk about the DIY/punk revolution in music, they always talk about how it:

-Encourages everyone to participate
-Blurs the line between audience and performer
-Rejects instrumental virtuosity
-Emphasizes emotional expression

Sounds like karaoke to me. If the goal of music is for an artist to communicate their emotional experience to another human being, how could that circuit be complete without the other human being re-creating that music? Karaoke is the ultimate musical expression (and recreation.)

Nevertheless, some are karaophobic. Here are some helpful pointers.

1. There’s power in numbers:
If you want to sing but are a little bit too nervous, one or more of your friends will be all too happy to sing with you on duets or girl group singles.

2. Familiarity breeds content:
Choose songs that you know fairly well and that you like. There’s no point in singing a song you don’t like, and it’s fairly easy to get lost if you don’t know the song that well. Similarly, a song that everyone knows tends to (but doesn’t always) get a better response than more obscure fare.

3. Is this damned thing on?:
Singing louder makes up for inability to carry a tune or keep a rhythm.

4. I think I’ll have another pint!:
Unlike most activities, karaoke is one of the few things that people actually do better when completely shit-faced.

5. More popular than Jesus:
The Beatles are always good.

6. Everybody Is A Star:
Most rock stars do more than sing. They dance, prance, and sometimes even drop their pants. You have a talent of some sort— so WORK it. Make a funny face; show us your imitation of bacon frying; do the swim. I once saw someone eat a hamburger while singing “All Shook Up.” Hmm, hmm, mmm. Awesome. Use what you’ve got to put on a show.

7. Those who know…:
Really great singers do not judge a drunk gal warbling off her favourite song at karaoke night. They know what hard work and dedication is required to become a virtuoso, and don’t blame you for not putting yourself through that.

8. It’ll be years before they find places to hide more cheese on a pizza:
There is no such thing as being too sincere, too earnest, too enthusiastic, too emotional, or too hot when singing karaoke. You get to be cool after you blow everyone away with your impassioned karaoke performance.

love, your host Karaoke Ted

3rd ANNUAL HEARTBREAK KARAOKE
Sunday, February 14th, 9pm
Teranga, 159 Augusta (Kensington Market)
wear red and get in for 5$

Was it the son of a preacher man? A devil in a blue dress?

Or just that guitar picker your daddy told you not to marry

(You know they ain’t no good and your babies will probably grow up to be cowboys, too.)

You obviously don’t listen – but now everyone else will, dammit.

WORN FASHION JOURNAL proudly presents

the 3rd Annual VALENTINE’S DAY HEARTBREAK KARAOKE

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2010

don’t just feel the pain, spread it around.

We’ve got a microphone, sad, sad songs,

and enough bitter tears and sweet liquor to fill a swimming pool.

What else could you possibly need to mourn your latest romantic folly?

The hurtin’ happens at TERANGA, 159 Augusta Ave, Kensington Market

Doors open at 9 PM

Heartbreak at 9:01

Total emotional catharsis and hail a cab at 2 AM

$7 at the door, $5 if you’re wearing RED

Consider this your chance to dish it out instead of take it. You can thank us later.

Snap! Look at these lovely dishes in something red from our Karaoke Valentine’s party. We still can’t get over our second Heartbreak.

I’m very pleased to say that last Saturday, I only had to read one break-up love letter. 

You see, KJ Teddy the K and I (the Vana White to his Pat Sajak) made a lil’ deal that if there were any lulls during our Heartbreak Karaoke fundraiser, I would read infamous break-up love letters (consider it the downside to Sex & The City’s Love Letters of Great Men). So SPANK YOU VERY MUCH to the brave soul who cut me off during an incredibly over-wrought 1816 missive from Lord Byron to Lady Byron with another Karaoke chip (and you know, I never had to go back to missive ever again).

As you can tell, the night was a huge success (see photo above of myself and Boy Reporter belting out “I Had The Time of My Life”, which had Miss Coco Buck re-enact the infamous Baby air-lift on the Cameron House’s dance floor).

We saw boys who literally wore their hearts on their sleeve in the form of tight-fitting 1970s knitted vests, or look like they belong on a Blondie Parallel Lines album cover (albeit trading the white shirt for red). Girls wore divine outfits — velvet sangria, venetian red check, prim and proper fire engine lace gloves. We had one $5 Celine Dion interpretation (”Aaaaaalll by my seeeeeelf…”) and two $10 jump the line and SING NOWs. The prizes were plentiful — a few fascinators, a free haircut, the requisite Worn Fashion Journal subscription — and did I mention how divine the outfits were? See evidence at our Flickr photostream.